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I am preparing for an exciting few weeks ahead, going to London to New York to Brazil!
I’ve also had so many amazing conversations with listeners about my pregnancy and birth plans.
I just find it really special when people approach this very personal topic with curiosity and grace.
They’re coming from a place where they trust that I know what’s best for myself and my baby, but on the other hand, some messages and comments as expected, they were unsolicited.
As in they were offering unsolicited advice and coming from a place where it’s just more judgmental, and offering a point of view that I personally didn’t ask for.
Conflicting Opinions and Viewpoints
I feel like when someone first shares their conflicting opinion, our normal instincts are to explain ourselves and defend our positions.
And sometimes this can even lead us to questioning our gut intuition, which is completely unasked for and we don’t have to.
So I’ve experienced this as a business owner getting unsolicited conflicting opinions from close friends or coworkers or parents.
I’ve also seen this with my lovely clients who get unsolicited messages once in a while from strangers on the internet making them doubt their current actions.
But what we have to remember in business and in life is that we can’t let anyone take away our power. And it’s completely within our control to stop ourselves from over explaining.
So in today’s episode, we’re going to be diving into why you should stop explaining yourself in situations that are simply just not worth your time.
And I’m going to be teaching you exactly how you can stop yourself in those situations from overexplaining!
Why We Feel The Need to Explain Ourselves
So first let’s start by addressing why we feel the need to explain ourselves in the first place. And I think it’s safe to say that most of us have been there at one point or another.
You feel the need to explain your decisions, your choices, or beliefs to others. And sometimes to people who don’t even need to know, or they simply cannot understand or comprehend.
So we need to ask ourselves, like, where does this come from?
Oftentimes I see this coming from a need for validation or a need for approval from other people. We might feel the need to explain our decisions because deep down we want to be accepted and we want to be understood.
Other times we may not feel a hundred percent in our decisions and so we’re almost looking for approval or for someone else other than ourselves to give us a green light or give us a permission slip.
But here’s the thing, constantly explaining yourself can be incredibly draining and lower your self confidence.
It takes you out of alignment with your one true path, with your intuition, and it gives the powe to other people and their opinions rather than having faith in your own inner compass.
Another reason why I see people over explaining is how they grew up in childhood and who they have been surrounded with for most of their lives growing up.
So if you grew up with maybe overbearing parents or family members or siblings who needed an explanation from you for everything, or maybe ones who thought that they were always right, or if you were maybe constantly on the edge of being in trouble and you just always needed an explanation for why you were doing something, all of this can cause the habit and the tendency to over explain as an adult because you were so used to having to do that as a child.
The sooner you can recognize why you have a tendency to over explain, the sooner you can tackle a solution.
But the first step is to recognize that maybe sometimes you do it and it’s not serving you and that you want to change and then identifying the triggers, identifying why exactly you have that tendency to over explain yourself.
Why You Need To STOP Explaining
The reason we want to stop this and the reason we want to overcome this is because it holds you back and it wastes your time.
So when you make a conscious effort to stop explaining yourself to other people, it’s reclaiming your power.
Think about it: every time you explain or go out of your way to try to get someone else to understand your perspective, you’re seeking permission.
And as long as you seek permission, you’re not truly free to live your life authentically, because you’re constantly being influenced by other people, explaining yourself can also slow down your progress.
If you do it too much, if you are constantly going out of your way, explaining every decision, you’re spending precious energy and time that could be directed towards your goals, your projects, your happiness, and making improvements on that front.
For example, if I had explained my pregnancy and birth plans to every person who messaged me over and over trying to get them to understand why I made my decision, I am wasting precious energy and time.
If you’re constantly justifying your travel lifestyle or your business decisions or your launch plans to others, you’re most likely carrying unnecessary mental baggage and unnecessary stress.
You’re going to waste your time and energy trying to please everyone, trying to get into all of these like internet arguments for no reason, and it often leads to burnout.
So as a reminder, you don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to do anything in this life.
You also don’t owe anyone an explanation for pursuing what you love, for setting boundaries, or for following your dreams and what your heart desires.
The people who truly love and support you will understand they’re going to offer support without any judgment, and those who don’t, sometimes it could be your closest family members or your friends, if they don’t understand you, their opinions don’t need to hold any weight in your life. You can brush it off and you can move on.
What I have also seen is that many people will have already made up their minds from the get go, whether it’s their position about something, their beliefs, many people will not change.
So no matter what you say, no matter how you try to defend your argument or to prove that you are right, they will say you’re wrong.
And so you really need to be aware of that, which conversations and which kind of like battles you’re picking because if it’s with someone who is super opinionated, who have already made up their minds, it’s just really futile speaking to those people.
And sometimes it’s just better to not enter in the conversation to begin with.
How To Live Unapologetically
Alright, now let’s get practical. Here are some actionable steps you can start implementing today to stop explaining yourself and start living unapologetically.
As someone who lives quite an untraditional life, I’ve implemented every single one of these tips at one point or another, and it really just empowers you to live life the way you want to without feeling guilty for doing so otherwise.
Get Comfortable With Silence
Sometimes we can feel awkward when we don’t fill the space with explanations or if someone asks you something and you immediately feel the need to justify.
Take a breather and be comfortable with silence because silence can be so powerful. Let your choices speak for themselves and make the other person uncomfortable for asking if someone asks why you made a certain decision why you are quitting your job, why you are planning to have a baby in another country, it’s okay to respond after fully digesting the question and giving yourself time to form a response, if at all.
But just let yourself kind of digest. Sit there.
And if it’s over a DM, if it’s over some kind of message, give yourself time to respond or to find a response. You don’t immediately need to go into defend and justify mode.
Respond With Key Phrases
Tip number two is to practice saying some key phrases that’s going to come in super handy in your toolkit.
- Because I want to
- Because it’s important to me
- I don’t agree
- Nothing! You don’t have to say anything!
These are so empowering and practicing saying these with me will feel weird at first if you come from a background where you tend to give a lot of explanation, but over time it really builds confidence and it segues into other more inspiring conversations instead of dwelling on something you don’t want to share.
And over time you’ll start noticing that often, it’s more than enough. It’s more than enough to just say because I want to or because it’s important to me or I don’t agree.
If it’s over a text message or in your DMs or a comment on Facebook or Instagram, you don’t even have to respond.
You can just let it go and delete it. You don’t owe anyone an explanation and you do not need to respond to every message that comes your way.
Know Your Why
Fully believe in yourself 100 percent and share with intention. So know exactly why you’re doing what you’re doing and share only when you are completely confident in your decision or only share with people who you know will support your decision.
So maybe like in my example, I don’t go public with something if I’m not ready to fully back myself behind it.
This is a big one, you should always know the why behind why you’re doing something that you’re doing, but that doesn’t mean you need to share it with the world immediately or you have to share it while you’re still making the decision.
It’s also okay to just say ‘I don’t know’, even if you maybe do know, but you’re not entirely sure yet when you’re confident.
And when you finally find that confidence in your purpose, you’ll feel less inclined to seek validation and you won’t feel the guilt or maybe the pressure to switch your opinion or your actions based on what someone else says.
You’ll realize that ultimately, you’re making all of these choices for you, not for anyone else, and definitely not to meet anyone else’s expectations.
Set Boundaries
Tip number four is to set boundaries with people who demand explanations or who are triggering you.
So if you have people in your life or in your audience who constantly ask you to justify your decisions or they’re always nagging you for an explanation, it’s okay to set boundaries and you definitely don’t have to explain yourself to everyone who asks.
Sometimes it’s unsolicited. Like sometimes people just come at you with opinions without you even asking.
So in those cases, just going back to what the phrases that I said before, because I want to, because it’s important to me, I don’t agree or simply don’t respond. That is enough and it sets a boundary.
It should be really easy to spot whether someone is coming from a place of curiosity and support and interest rather than immediate judgment.
Like, I have a really good radar on this. I’m able to read people very well. As soon as I get a hint that someone is domineering or trying to give me advice, I didn’t ask for, or tell me what to do or doubting my ability in any way, shape or form as a business owner, as a mother, as a student of life – I don’t owe anyone an explanation.
And it’s just really easy for me to set that boundary.
I think it’s also an amazing learning opportunity because I constantly audit how I react to other people’s conflicting opinions.
Like, do I come from a place of genuine curiosity? And oftentimes that is what I strive for, if not all the time. I want people to open up. I want people to feel safe in sharing what they want to do, believing that they’ve done their research and they know what’s best for their lives, and offering advice when they ask me for it.
But I will never go out of my way just to be like, hey, this is what I think, because I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end.
When everyone kind of audits this about themselves and they come from a place of compassion and they know how their actions and their words affect other people, conversations would be so much more productive because both parties are learning from each other instead of one party attacking and then one party defending.
Surround Yourself With Likeminded People
Our last tip for today is to surround yourself with like minded people. And I’ve said this over and over and over because it is such a game changer.
When you surround yourself with people who understand you or share similar values or maybe who are a few steps ahead of you on the same path, you’ll notice that you naturally explain yourself less because there is no reason to.
You’re going to feel more supported and understood without needing to constantly justify your path because they either want to be on the same path as you, they understand why you are on that path, or they may have even walked the path themselves.
I remember first feeling like this when I quit my corporate job and moved to Bali, and everyone there kind of like quit their corporate jobs or whatever rat race jobs they were in and I felt so understood and they all moved to Bali.
So it wasn’t even like I was the black sheep anymore. There are always communities like that.
When I’m feeling misunderstood with my travel or birth or pregnancy plans, I have communities around the world who are doing exactly what I am doing, and I seek comfort and support from them.
I don’t need to be justifying myself and investing my energy trying to defend my path when I know that there are so many other people out there who have walked the path before me in business.
We have so many new entrepreneurs, so many new digital nomads on our live coaching calls on our live members, meets and Q&A’s in the Digital Nomad Society who are always like, wow, I had no idea there are so many people out there who want to do what I want to do. I’ve been constantly just trying to defend my position in my day to day life.
A lot of them are in corporate jobs or a lot of them are surrounded by people who just come from a different background and they do not have the capacity to understand.
But I promise you, online, in communities around the world, we exist. And so it is up to you to find your own community and surrounding yourself with like minded people is going to help you gain that confidence.
Final Thoughts
No matter what path you are on and what path you want to be on, know that I am always in your corner. And if you have any questions, feel free to just send me a DM on Instagram.
Thank you so much for tuning into this episode. If this resonated with you, please share it with someone who might need to hear this message or take a screenshot and tag @thewanderlover and @thewanderloverpodcast so that I can repost you on our pages.
Remember, you’re exactly where you’re meant to be and your journey is only yours to live. I will see you guys in the next episode. Have an amazing week, my loves.
If you’ve enjoyed this episode, it would mean so much if you could leave a review on Apple Podcasts. This helps us spread The Wanderlover mission to those who need a dose of inspiration today.
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