My Miscarriage Story and A Lesson on Surrendering

Content Warning: Miscarriage. In this episode, I open up about my recent miscarriage experience and how I’ve been coping. After taking some time to breathe and think, I’m finally comfortable to share my experience. Sharing this feels like a relief because miscarriages are common yet often silenced. So this episode is for anyone that needs to feel heard.

Prefer to read? Here’s the blog version…

Today is going to be one of my more vulnerable episodes, and I do want to preface with a trigger warning for miscarriage. I’m going to be talking about My Miscarriage Story and A Lesson on Surrendering to the unknown. And this episode is just going to be a heart to heart with my audience because it is something that I think is still taboo in our society and I want to change that.

So in this episode, I’m going to be sharing about my experience and If you or someone you know are going through something similar, know that you are not alone. 

And before I get started, I do want to apologize in advance for the audio (which I know you can’t hear if you’re reading the blog but I still think it’s important to mention). Because I am currently in Bali, I booked a beautiful penthouse in the middle of Canggu, and little did I know that I would be surrounded by construction. Bali is developing so incredibly fast. The last time I was here was in 2020 and it’s just insane how much has changed and how much money is being pumped into this little island. I don’t think it’s sustainable, but at this point, you know, there’s no escaping it. And so If, you hear any drills or banging, we will try to edit them out post-production, but I do want to apologize. And sustainable tourism is definitely a topic for another episode. 

The Reality Of Having A Miscarriage

It is currently April 1st, 2024, and I had a miscarriage in January of 2024. I had my procedure done January 31st, and so it’s been around two months after removing the embryo from my body and my intentions with sharing all of this with you guys, I honestly truly hope that it helps others going through the same thing because Miscarriages are so incredibly common.

I looked up the statistics and it’s around 25 to 30% of pregnancies that end in miscarriage and it’s just not talked about. The more I talk about it now, the more I hear about others who have gone through the same thing, but it’s just not talked about widely on social media in day-to-day life. And what really helped me go through it all was knowing that I wasn’t alone and thank you to those brave individuals who have shared their story and that I was able to really find solace in. And that’s what I hope this episode will provide for others who are going through the same.

I also obviously want to be open and transparent with what is going on in my life. It’s honestly felt like this giant elephant in the room because part of me is like, should I share with my audience? Should I just keep it a secret? Like it was so much internal conflict, no one knew I was pregnant in the first place, right? And so you’re just in this awkward position, like who do I tell what is best? And for me, the empowered thing that I know will serve others is sharing my experience and also doing the inner work, doing the reflection and sharing what I have gained and what I have learned from the past few months.

Pregnancy & Planning For A Baby

So let’s start from the beginning. On December 22nd of last year, right before Christmas, I took three pregnancy tests and found out that I was pregnant. I was four weeks at that time and called my OBGYN. They had said, we actually don’t wanna see you until you’re at 10 weeks because the risk of miscarrying in the first trimester is just so high. So they wanted to wait until I was 10 weeks and I booked my appointment in for the end of January. I was traveling middle of February, so I was like, I definitely want to go see a doctor before then. And in the meantime, it was a lot of waiting. It was telling my parents during Christmas and my brother and my grandma, because we were in New York, it was a lot of excitement.

And I started planning, like planning 2024 with the intention that I was going to have a baby in August and this was going to be my first pregnancy. And when I found out, literally everything was just like go, go, go. I needed to make a plan. I needed to learn how to become a mother. It took me by surprise that I could no longer eat, you know, soft cheeses, no longer drink, have sashimi or like raw steak and all of these things. It was a whirlwind of emotions and things that I did not feel prepared for. I actually remember having a conversation with my brother about Miscarriages because I was in all of these like mommy forums that I had joined, and day by day people were saying, ‘I lost the baby, I’m no longer in it. Good luck to everyone else out there.’

And that’s when I first got the impression that, you know, I am waiting until the second trimester before telling anyone else, and the risk of miscarrying is real. And I told Gary, my brother about it, and he said, you know, if it did happen, I feel like it would be more discouraging because you would be losing all of the plans you had made for the baby rather than losing the actual baby itself at this point. Because truly in the first few weeks, in the first two months before you go to the doctor, and before I heard a heartbeat, like it doesn’t feel real.

My body still looked the same, I didn’t have a bump. I was like, I can’t believe there is a human growing inside of me. And you know, you can’t feel it, you don’t know. And so it truly was all of these plans that I had made that I then had to later grieve after Christmas, after New Year’s. January was kind of this really surreal month. It was this month where I felt so excited and I knew that I was going to be a mom, Ragz, my husband, was going to be a father. It was crazy, but I couldn’t tell anyone. I wanted to really keep it a secret and wait until my first appointment with my OBGYN that was scheduled for January 29th.

And in hindsight, I am so freaking glad I waited and that I was able to tell people and share based on when I felt ready rather than having everyone know. And then everyone asked me about my pregnancy and me having to be like, oh, I miscarried. Everything felt like it was happening really fast. We really had to change our 2024 plans or so we had thought because we wanted to go to Indonesia, but then I was like, I’m not gonna be able to travel my third trimester, so we have to leave Indonesia early. And then we had to figure out where in the world we were going to give birth. And so it was a lot of planning.

My Miscarriage

I went to my 10 week doctor’s appointment on January 29th and we couldn’t hear a heartbeat, which was very surreal. Like I didn’t even know what happened when you know you have a miscarriage. I went into the appointment thinking I was going to take a test and find out the gender of the baby. We had planned baby names and it was this whole thing, but the ob, GYN and the nurse had a hard time finding the heartbeat on the ultrasound machine. And they referred me to a hospital where they said the technology was a lot more advanced. And at that point when I was like, this machine in the doctor’s office, can’t hear a heartbeat, there must be something wrong.

We got in the car and I just started bawling because I had a feeling, I had a feeling that if they couldn’t hear anything, they are professionals and we probably lost the baby at that point. Before that moment, I had only personally known two people out of all of my friends and family, two people that I could reach out to personally who had gone through the same thing. And If, you think about what I said before, 25 to 30% of pregnancies end in Miscarriage. The numbers don’t add up. There must have been so many other people who have gone through it, but it’s just not talked about. And I think that is the thing that killed me the most because at that point I was like, is there something wrong with me?

Right? And of course, immediately the blame went onto myself and thank God for Ragz. He was so comforting. But then he was also really hopeful, like, we’re going to go to the hospital, they have better machines there, and they’re going to be able to find something like you don’t know for sure yet. And so there was this like glimmer of hope, but I just was so prepared for the worst. And at the end of the 29th, we had confirmed that the baby was lost at nine weeks. So my appointment was at 10 weeks and they gave me three options, one to let my body pass the embryo.

Naturally my body still thought it was pregnant. So I had gone through what is called a missed miscarriage or MMC where my uterus was still developing and growing, but the embryo inside was dead. They said I could either let my body recognize that it was miscarrying and let it pass naturally, which would be a little more traumatic because you would expel, you would have blood, you would have contractions, and you basically would give birth to the embryo and the placenta naturally. The second way is to take a pill where it induces this natural miscarriage.

And then the third way is to have a DNC procedure done, which is basically an abortion where they suck and scoop out the fetus and everything inside you can choose to be put under for the whole procedure, like complete sleep, no memory. And that is what they recommended because they said it was the least traumatic. And that is the option. I went for two days later, I went in for this procedure, I was under full anesthesia. It was at an abortion clinic, which was very like haunting. I think most people there didn’t want their child. And the nurses and the ultrasound techs there both told me, you know, ask the doctor for birth control options after.

And I had to explain like, no, I want to get pregnant. I’m probably one of the few people here who actually wanted a baby. And so the whole thing was, you know, not pleasant. And of course the whirlwind of emotions that came with it and my family who had planned all of their days off later in the year, all of these plans that were no longer. And that was actually when I recorded the episode, give yourself permission to take time off. I was going through something I had never gone through before and I took months off of my business. I cleared out my calendar. I knew that I didn’t want to pour and I couldn’t pour from an empty cup.

Mentally Processing My Miscarriage

And then after the whole procedure, it was realigning our 2024 plans because now everything was changing back to what it was before. So we were able to stay in Indonesia or stay in Asia and travel more. But then with that came so many feelings, mainly confusion. Immediately I was confused, why did it happen? What could I have done differently? Did I do something wrong? Am I fit to be a mother? And it was so much like internal confusion. The next thing I experienced was grieving all of the plans that we had made, grieving what could have been, and obviously grieving the loss of my baby, right?

So I really needed time to process that. I was also feeling so intensely conflicted with how to show up as a business owner with how to show up for you guys how to share my whole pregnancy and miscarriage because no one had known that I was even pregnant. I was conflicted about who to tell, which one of my friends that I should tell first, should I even tell my friends? Some of them were pregnant, so I didn’t want to burden them with my story. And for the longest time I wanted to keep it to myself. And then for a period of time, I felt so annoyed when people would ask me when I was going to get pregnant.

People still ask me until this day, like, oh, when are you and Ragz going to have kids? And obviously they don’t know and they didn’t know my story, so I can’t hold anything against ’em. But I was just so annoyed when people asked me that. And now I am more empathetic, obviously to other people going through the same. But now I am more aware of how triggering it can be. When you ask people about family planning If, you are going through the same, if God forbid, you go through this one day, know that all of these feelings are so normal and it’s going to look different for everyone. The grieving process is going to look different for everyone.

One day you might be back to normal, and then next day you start going down this spiral of what you could have done differently. And it’s this myriad of emotions and thoughts and feelings and different things to navigate, especially if it’s your first time. Know that you are not alone. You can’t control certain events. And in hindsight you’re going to see that it happened all for a reason. And that is the utmost faith that I have in the universe right now. I know that everything happens for a reason. The other really annoying thing that I had to go through the past two months was waiting for my period to come back.

After the DNC procedure. The doctor had told me it would take four to six weeks for my period to come back to normal. But after seven weeks, I still hadn’t gotten it. And I went through another spiral on Google thinking what could have gone wrong? And of course, Google told me about like certain scarring tissue that could like leave you in fertile. And at one point I was like, oh my God, did like the doctor fuck up? Do I have to sue for malpractice because they accidentally removed my uterus or something? And all of these crazy thoughts, you know, you’re not thinking straight. But thankfully, after seven and a half weeks my period came back and that is when I truly felt like I could start living again and we can start trying again.

That is also when I felt really empowered to share my story. And I am very appreciative of my past self, of giving myself the space to heal, the space to grieve, and the time to be able to bounce back. And now two months after the procedure and two months after this whirlwind of events, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I no longer have to hide my pregnancy. I no longer have to hide my miscarriage, and now I am capable of helping others and empathizing with others who either have gone through the same or who are going through the same.

What I’ve Learned

What I have learned from this experience so far is that you can’t control certain events in life. I had made a vision board for 2024 that at this point, as of April 1st, I’ve had to modify so many times because life just throws you different curve balls and you can’t control them, but you can control how long you choose to dwell on certain things and how long you let it have control over you. You can also control the inner dialogue that goes through your mind every day. You can control what to feed your mind and how to take care of yourself and who to surround yourself with.

You can choose to focus on what happened or choose to focus on the blessings. And the biggest blessing in my life was my support system, my friends, my family, my husband, who were so incredibly supportive. Through it all, it really reminded me of what solid foundations I have around me and my business, my online business systems that gave me the ability to take four months off through Christmas, through New Year’s, through this whole experience, through my surgery, and to be able to travel afterwards and give myself space to grieve, go to tropical places, surf, and live my life as normal in a way that helps me thrive.

I’ve learned that it will be okay and it will be okay for you. You need to surrender to what life has in store. You need to surrender to societal norms, to external voices and what you should or shouldn’t be doing through going through pregnancy and then loss. Ultimately, you can only control your own actions and your own thoughts. You can choose to break societal norms like I feel like I’m doing with this episode. Even though miscarriage is taboo, you’re able to talk about it.

If it empowers you, you’re able to not talk about it if that makes you feel better, like what I did for so many weeks. But you have the choice to either do something that serves your community, that serves a higher purpose and serves yourself as well. Shitty things happen in life, and I wish I could tell you why it happens, but at this point of my grieving and healing journey, all I can say is I know that there are lessons to be learned, and I know that bigger and better things are coming from this. There is always a master plan.

The universe divinely guides you at all times, and I hope by stepping into my power, you feel empowered to step into yours as well. I promise you it will get better and it will all be okay. I am sending love to you all. Thank you so, so much for being a part of this beautiful, magical life with me through its ups and downs, and I will see you all in the next episode.

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